Feb
3
If I could say…
by Sofia - in Random
... I bealieve jealousy is a perception that might be changed.
A while back I asked you to leave possible questions and hopes or ideas about the blog for me and I received very good ones indeed. I have already answered several on my blog posts and will continue to do so this year. If yours never gets answered to please don´t be offended. It´s either that I feel the answer feels too private or I may not remember them all in the end. But I will do my best. One was a question about jealousy. If I as a “privileged” person feel that people are jealous of me. And if so then how do I consider these feelings. And do I think financial or status differences create jealousy.
I quite honestly don´t think people are jealous of me. I hope some might admire some qualities in me like I admire qualities in others. I would like to think I´m a nice and sweet person ( most of the time) and when ever I am with someone I hope I make them feel comfortable and good about themselves around me rather than jealous of me. Obviously the question mentioned that one´s friends or family who´d know your struggles ( as no ones life is void of those), would not be the jealous ones, but ones acquaintances. But yet again I honestly don´t understand why they would be. I have lovely things going on in my life but then again they are lovely from my point of view not necessarily someone else´s.
But I do have very strong opinions about jealousy as a feeling and how useless it is and how a slight change in perception might be able to help one get over it. And I´m not talking about jealousy as part of a romantic relationship here, that is a whole different feeling ( in Finnish there are two different words for these feelings but English language has to my better knowledge stuck with one). ( edit. I later realised that envy and jealousy could be these words and I may have been better off talking about envy rather than jealousy)
It´s important to learn how to differentiate the feelings of admiration and jealousy and focus on the first. It´s healthy and useful to admire others and to let ourselves grow towards something we admire. But to just be jealous of something is not fruitful. I sometimes feel that jealousy is the opposite of gratefulness. As you know I´m a big supporter of the thought of being grateful for the good things in life, even the smallest one ( “my coffee was hot this morning and so darn delicious”). Instead of focusing on the things we are jealous of we should focus on the things we are grateful for. I know it´s not always so easy. That is why it´s important to realise that jealousy is a waste of our time. What are we jealous of? Prosperity, looks, love, family? Is it more often the superficial things? If it is then jealousy is a never ending game. There is always someone with better legs, more money, fuller hair, nicer skin, bigger apartment, shinier car… the list is never ending. And so is the nagging feeling of jealousy if one gives it room to grow. Instead we should focus on something very different. What is good about me and my life. What could be the qualities that make me interesting, admirable or even beautiful ( could as well be something on the inside you know). We all have something another person would love to have so let´s focus on being grateful for that and to cherish it instead of being jealous of something we don´t. And yes I know it would be nice to have more money, be thinner, have more of the things we admire and sometimes find trivial. And yes sometimes we are jealous of things we can´t have or wish we already had but don´t, like children, a dream job or a great love story. But jealousy of others who do have that is not helpful as the world does not work in a way that you would get it if they did not have it. So as hard as it may feel, trying to be happy for the friend or acquaintance who does have that something you wish for eventually makes you feel better. If it does not then is it possible to try and cut that person out of your life, your blog feed or your social media*? Let´s not let the nagging feeling of jealousy eat away from the things in our life we should be grateful for.
Somehow jealousy feels to me like a feeling that belongs to high school. It´s the kind of thing one grows out of as we see the world and realise there is more to life than most people let passers by know. It belongs to a stage in life when we are still a bit naive and our view of the world and others is limited and narrow. When we actually think that someone could be perfect. When we don´t know better. Do you think it sounds right?
And please don´t get this the way that I´m saying it´s not right to have certain feelings or that I would be an advocate for always being happy, preppy or even grateful. I´m just trying to say a change of perception might be helpful and that we all have something others want and others have something we would love to have. The best way forward is to either do something about it or to enjoy what you already have.” It´s not about getting what you want but wanting what you have.”- quote fits here so well.
When it comes to the other part of the question and the “presumption” that people are often jealous of monetary difference or difference in status I would like to disagree a little here. If you really think hard would you be more willing to sacrifice wealth or love and happiness? What do you admire more in life? I think we think we lust after monetary things but when it comes down to it the people we admire most are the ones happy in where they are regardless of their status. Or perhaps it´s just my view of the world.
I hope my rambling did not get you all confused. I would love to hear what you think of the subject!
I wish you have a good weekend!
Muutama aate kateuteen liittyen vastauksena yhteen blogiaihe toiveeseen. Kiitos tästä hienosta aiheesta! Toivottavasti kirjoitus edes jotenkin sivusi aihettasi, vaikka en ihan kaikkea ehkä saanut tähän sisällytettyä kun innostuin muuten kirjoittamaan kateudesta tunteena.
Ihanaa viikonloppua!
Lattemamma
p.s. We easily seem to think that if someone is not loving what we do they are ” just jealous” of us. But I don´t think it´s necessarily so. I know some people actually find the way I blog ( or am) irritating not because they want to be like me or are jealous of me but because their view of the world is different from me. It obviously goes the other way around too. Like they say ” you can be the most delicious peach in the world but there is always someone who does´t like peaches”. That can not be brushed off as jealousy. We don´t have to like everyone and everything. What we do have to do is be kind about it. One really doesn´t need to voice all of their opinions online or even in real life. But when someone does just remember it usually speaks volumes about the person and his/her wellbeing and balance rather than about yours.
* Social media is a great soil for jealousy ( and the before mentioned irritation) to grow as we look at the picture perfect life of others and compare them to ours. Some may feel like everyone else´s houses are always clean and they only eat healthy foods and look fit. And then others get frustrated about people who edit the everyday life out of photos and think these people are fake. As any smart person would do though is to realise that those who cut the hanging laundry out of the photos are not the type of people to have them hanging when they have guests arriving either or just like visually pleasing pictures. It does not mean we don´t do laundry ( or try to hide the fact that we do), we just think that others know it´s there, outside the frame of the shot. I know some of my friends have whining kids in the background while they take the pretty picture of a coffee cup but I enjoy the picture regardless. Probably a lot more without the whining. But if I was there I would not mind the whining. My kids whine too and yours and your neighbours and your co-workers. We all know it in the end…
10 comments on “ If I could say… „
Pirjo 67 years, on February 3, 2017
Dear lattemamma,I compeletely agree with you.And every day I want to remember that if the simple and small things in life don’t put a smile on your face then you will never be truly happy.I know I will read this blog writing of yours many times ,so thank you!
Susanna, on February 3, 2017
Dear Sofia. Amazingly well written smart words. I could not agree more. I believe jealousy is a state of mind. One that leads to nothing good. I personally have grown to enjoy other people’s victories and happiness. I feel that you are able to do this once you are confident with yourself and undersrand the important values in life. As you say, if a person is driven by monetary values, they will never necome satisfied. In a way, I feel sad for people who do not realize this. Personally I feel that your blog is a never ending story of every day life prettiness. And it has during the last 5 years inspired me and also helped me at times – during children’s tantrums and grey, rainy days – to remember to look at the world through pink glasses. I wish any person who sees your blog otherwise, understands the true message you are conveying. Thank you for being you – kind, nice and true to yourself <3
Katja, on February 3, 2017
Hieno kirjoitus ja hyvää englanninkielen preppausta minulle. Sinulta tästä blogista olen saanut inspiraatiota kokkaukseen ja lapsen kanssa leipomiseen sekä matkavinkkejä että shoppausvinkkejä. Lisäksi sellaista kauniin äärelle pysähtymistä ja pienistä arjen kauniista hetkistä nauttimista, iloa ja positiivisuutta.
Katariina, on February 3, 2017
Very well said! I totally agree. It is all about looking for the bright side. If I’m feeling down I keep on looking for a thing that could make me smile. And not because you should always be happy, but because there is something good in every day. And I think your blog is about that. So thank you for sharing it with us.
Agata, on February 3, 2017
Kauniisti kirjoitettu! Etenkin ajatus, että kateuden ja toisiin vertailun sijaan kääntäisimme fokuksen hyviin asioihin omassa elämässä ja pyrkisimme aktiivisesti harjoittamaan kiitollista asennetta.
Mulle tämä on aika tunnepitoinen aihe, sillä olen useasti (liioittelematta) kuullut, että joku tuntee kateutta mua kohtaan. Ja aina samoista asioista: onnellinen perhe-elämä. Hyvä taloudellinen tilanne. Helppo tulla raskaaksi.
Tuntuu pahalta kuulla kitkeriä ja jopa nälviviä kommentteja, kuinka helppoa mulla on, kun vierellä hyvä mies ja taloudellinen tilanne mahdollistaa kotiäitiyden.
Toisaalta tuntuu pahalta niiden puolesta, jotka kamppailevat huonossa parisuhteessa tai lopulta eroavat, vaikka haave nro 1 elämässä olisi ollut ydinperhe ja rakastava puoliso.
Sydän särkyy, kun vierellä itkee nainen, joka kaipaa omaa lasta, mutta diagnoosina lapsettomuus.
Ymmärrän, että tekee kipeää, kun jokin äärimmäisen tärkeä, arvokas ja kallisarvoinen asia ei toteudu omalla kohdalla. Ymmärrän myös kateuden tunteen -tai lähinnä kaipauksen jotakin sellaista kohtaan, mitä olisi halunnut, mutta ei ole (toistaiseksi) saanut.
Totta hemmetissä se sattuu, kun unelmat ovat säpäleinä. Kun kaipaa rakkautta, kosketusta, kumppanuutta. Vanhemmuutta. Raskautta. Perhe-elämää.
Ymmärrän. Olen pahoillani. Kuuntelen.
Silti välillä koen, että on epäreilua myös mua kohtaan joutua ryöpytyksen kohteeksi. Mikään näistä asioista ei ole käsissäni. En pysty muuttamaan muiden olosuhteita, vaikka haluaisinkin.
Olen varovaisesti sanonut, että mitä mulla on nyt, voi olla huomenna mennyttä. Elämä on arvaamatonta. Se myös päättyy aikanaan -ja usein yllättäen. Ihminen on myös vapaa toimimaan omasta puolestaan -mies voi pistää ranttaliksi ja niin minäkin. Taloudellinen tilanne voi nopeasti muuttua päälaelleen, jos työt tai terveys (tai molemmat) menee.
Lähtökohtaisesti elämä on epäreilua. On aina ollut. Ihmiset joutuvat välillä painiskelemaan ihan kamalien asioiden kanssa. Elämä osaa läpsiä avokämmenellä päin naamaa. Kukaan ei ole immuuni haasteille. Toisille kuitenkin kerääntyy enemmän haasteita, kun jotkut pääsevät helpommalla.
Miksi on näin. En tiedä. Karsastan “ihminen on oman onnensa seppä”-jargonia, mutta yksi piirre vaikuttaa toistuvan monissa selviytymystarinoissa: asenne ja päätös selviytyä, pyrkiä sisäiseen rauhaan ja tasapainoon. Suurena aktiivisena tekijänä tässä prosesissa on kiitollisuuden asenne. Pienistä asioista iloitseminen -ylipäänsä halu tuntea vielä iloa.
Mulla on omat haasteeni elämässä. Epätoivon hetket. Epäonnistumiset. Ei ehkä samoja, mitä näillä ihmisillä, jotka ovat kertoneet tuntevansa kateutta mua kohtaan, mutta silti kipeitä ja sellaisia, jotka ovat saaneet mut polvilleni.
Mua lohduttaa ajatus, että elämässä ei jaeta tyylipisteitä. Ei tarvitse juosta kuin trimmattu ja puunattu arabikilpahevonen, ryömiminen on myös ok. Se on inhimillistä, ei suinkaan osoitus epäonnistumisesta. Epätäydellisyydessä on seikkailun makua. 🙂
Anniina, on February 4, 2017
Ihana ja oivaltava kirjoitus! Olen täysin samaa mieltä <3
Karkki, on February 4, 2017
Hieno kirjoitus <3 Olen samaa mieltä, että kateellisuus on hyvä epätuottava tunne. Ja pahimmillaan se myrkyttää ihmisen täysin. Kateellisuus myös sulkee helposti oven kaikilta kauniilta.
Toisaalta myös uskon, että kateus on sekoitettavissa moneen tunteeseen. Se mikä ulos näyttää ehkä kateudelta ei sitä aina ole, vaan onkin kenties sulaa epätoivoa. Itse 4 vuoden lapsettomuuden läpikäyneenä sanon, että suurin tunne ei ollut kateus vaan epätoivon ja toivon vuoristoratamainen vaihtelu. Sen aikana oppi, että mikään ei ole niin varmaa kuin epävarmuus. Se kokemus muutti minua suuresti ja voin sanoa käsi sydämellä, että olisin sitä kokemusta ilmankin voinut elää. Olinko tuona aikana kateellinen? Ehkä mutta sanon kuitenkin, että enemmän olin vihainen elämän epäreiluudelle. Sanoinko kaverille, että sinä et voi tätä ymmärtää koska raskaudut helposti? Kyllä, sanoin, monesti, koska se on totta. Se lause ei ollut kateutta. Siitä ajasta selvisin, koska miestäni lainaten "olen Niskavuoren naisia". Ja tuo 4-vuoden matka kasvatti minua myöhempiä elämän vastoinkäymisiä varten. Se opetti myös nöyryyttä ja ilon etsimistä pienistä asioista.
Yritän kai sanoa, että itse yritän olla keskittymättä toisen ihmisen mahdolliseen kateuteen. Koitan sen sijaan asettua toisen asemaan ja pohtia onko takana jotain muuta. Kun joku sanoo kuinka hän toivoisi hänen omaavan jotain mitä minulla on, sanon jotain kaunista hänestä. Toki tämä ei vieraiden kanssa onnistu. Uskon silti hyvän lisäävän hyvää <3
neds, on February 4, 2017
This is such a well written, thoughtful very insightful article. Over the years and sometimes from time to time (quite recently) I have compared how my life turned out to friends/colleagues/siblings/family and even though some of them have more money/status/success i can honestly say I haven’t been jealous….as I know that everything comes at a price and people who are more successful career wise or monetary wise have made a lot of sacrifices on the way and continue to do so. In retrospect I don’t think I would be willing to do any of that to get there so most of the time I have only admiration for them and am happy for those who have achieved what they set out to do. I can totally relate to your statement about jealousy being a thing in high school even university because it was all about having better clothes, being with with the popular crowd, going out with the handsome guy etc…and as a result was more related to personal insecurity and self-esteem and peer pressure. Jealousy is so close to envy and both of them are dangerously close to then feeling depressed about your life which tends to be self -destructive, so like you said there is nothing like counting your blessings everyday and being grateful for what you have achieved and the person you have become. To end, I recently read something from Mindy Kaling’s latest novel that really struch a chord and what she said was ” It’s not that i think I’m so great…I just don’t hate myself”.Sometimes we women can be very hard on ourselves and this just puts everything into perspective.
Emma, on February 4, 2017
Hieno ja tärkeä kirjoitus! <3 Isältäni tärkein oppimani asia on ehkäpä "muista, että aina joku on sinua kauniimpi, laihempi, rikkaampi, lahjakkaampi ja kaikinpuolin parempi jossain. Tämän asian kanssa sinun täytyy elää, mutta muista että vain sinä voit olla sinä". Ehkä hieman raa'asti todettu, mutta totta se on. Kateus on niin ikävä tunne, sen sijaan on huomattavasti kivempi keskittyä niihin asioihin, mitkä ovat elämässä hyvin ja vaalia niitä. Elämä ei ikinä ole täydellistä kellään, mutta aivan ihanaa se voi olla silti. <3
Sofia, on February 26, 2017
Kiitos kaikki mielettömistä kommenteistanne! Thank you all for your fantastic comments!
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